Long time no see everyone !
Sorry guys for taking so much time to give some news but after coming back from my travel (that went very fine) I had the surprise to realise that we didn't had internet anymore.
It took a few days to come back but honestly it didn't change much for me because with or without internet, I wouldn't have come back right away. I seriously needed a break to rest because of the lag time and I had some serious thinking to do about myself. Yeah i definitively needed some alone time.
During those alone time I took the decision that when I will be back, I will explain what have been bugging me for months to my watchers because I'm tired to hide it. I don't want to be ashamed anymore or it or whatever else. Whether you believe me or not. It's up to you. Seriously I don't really care, I won't try to convince you. So you can think I'm lying, making excuse or whatever. Doesn't matter because I do it for myself because I really think that telling everyone instead of hiding it will help.
Anyway I've been suffering since several months from a depression. Actually, before my breakup I was already suffering from it but when I actually decided to finish my relationship with my ex, even though it was my decision, it made it worse because I had to start over a lot of thing and it had a lot of consequences in my life which wasn't easy when you were with someone for 8 years.
I really gave me (and still do) a lot of trouble since because of it, I lack of concentration and motivation for pretty much everything and it's just a part of the consequences. It's for those reasons I lost my job because I wasn't capable to do it anymore. It's for those reasons I'm so behind everything in the drawing area wheter it's commissions, trade, request and tumblr... I have days when I need to struggle with myself to get out of bed or just put on some clothes and all.
And the fact that I have a roomate (and an incredible friend at that that support me a lot despite the rough time) really do help because I'm not alone and it gave me enough motivation to do at least THOSE little things.
So you can imagine how hard is it to actually draw if the simplest things are so hard for me to do ? I feel like I'm not capable of anything most of time. And it's supposed to be something that I freaking LOVE but I barely get any joy out of it those days because I feel so much pressure. Because I'm not able to work on those request that are taking way too long and yet people are still patienting for them. I probably put this pressure myself because I just want to make sure that people are happy with the result and don't wait to long but in the end, I just do the contrary and it's uterly frustrating. And when I'm actually able to draw thanks to a miracle, I'm not satisfied with it at all. I feel that what I do it's always the same (pose always on the side, always similar, no much work into the piece itself, barely any shading and I could continue like this). I want to do much better (like most artist YEAH), I want to do more, I want to make people happy with my work but more than anything I want to be happy while drawing... but I can't.
I seriously considered lot of time stopping altogether after having finishing request, commissions and all drawings that are due but I probably saying that because I feel so out of it and frustrated. So don't worry. I know I won't stop but I feel so frustrated.
Also the fact it's winter make it hard to draw for me because of the cold... Let me explain...
Since I don't have a job anymore and I'm in no stable state right now to work, i'm using my economy in order to live. And I know that I can't continue like this and it's quite stressing. Stressing because my family doesn't know about me losing my job and I don't want them to know because not only it's gonna worry them but also put another stress on my back and I really can't take that right now.
So financially I'm being tight and I'm glad I was able to pay all of the commissions that where due and the fews commissions I did recently help me to pay fews of them too. But those where actually my last commissions passed to other since I definitively won't be able to afford anything like that anymore. Anyway right now I'm glad I'm living with a roomate because we are able to share rent and everything and support eachother.
But winter is definitively the hardest part of the year for us. We are living in a big old house with stone not really well isolated and for the heating it's fuel oil which is quite expensive. So technically we only use it for warming the water but not for heating the house. So you can imagine how cold is it inside the house. Sometimes the temperature it's better OUTSIDE... yeah quite crazy huh ?
Also I was still waiting for the few furnitures I had to be moved since I don't have a car, I was depending on other for that. So since October I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor with a lot of cover because of the cold. But yesterday I finally got my bed, and my bedroom start to finally look like a bedroom and believe me it's less depressing this way than to live between cardboards... So yeah combining all this and others things... it's definitively not easy at the time and yeah I know that some have it much more worse than me... I know that but it's just that it doesn't help my depression at all.
I'm gonna try to see another doctor since I don't feel like my current one take me seriously but it's my own fault for not telling her everything because I was afraid to be judged. At first I was feeling guilty of having a depression but I know not it's not my fault and I'm trying to get better so I shouldn't feel this way right.
So well sorry for this long post if you ever had the courage to read all of it then congratulations I guess ?
I just wanted to thank you all of you for you incredible patience. I know I'm repeating myself for months but it might make more sense to you why I say the same things everytime.
So well just to make sure, I'm not saying all this to have a pity party. Despite the hard time I keep in mind that it could be worse and that I'm not alone (and I have season 3 of MLP FIM to cheer me up ). I just wanted to make things a bit clear for everyone and like I said at the beginning. I don't want to hide anymore.
So thank you again. I'll try my best.
Now I'm gonna answer few messages that needs an urgent answer and I'll do the rest little by little.